I know you've been dying to ask....

Thought I'd share the answers to some of the questions I know you're dying to ask....

#1: How is it to be dating again?
Ok I realize my last dating post came off snooty but it was only because I had to say it.  Sorry (not sorry). So yeah, I've been doing my share of dating.  Mostly first dates....oh where do I start.....there are so many aspects of dating that are not the same because of my situation.  A few of them....
-It's weird to be liked.  It's a weird feeling to have people interested in me again (don't pull out your sad eyes, it's not sad, it's just weird).
-I have a wall.  It is going to take a miracle and a lot of time to break that wall down.  That wall comes from devoting yourself completely and rather than feeling safe and united, getting the total opposite.  Wall.
-I have trust issues.  This goes with the wall, I guess.  Honestly it's really hard to imagine myself trusting someone completely.  Again, hoping time helps with that.....
-I might do a little too much comparing.  But what the heck that's all I know!  So yes, of course there will be comparing.  Working on it.
Didn't plan on this whole post being all about dating.  But you get the idea.  A book could be written.  Just about the issues, not even the solutions.
I don't know the solutions.
#2: Are the holidays kind of a sensitive time?
Yes and no.  The thing about the holidays is that they're all about memories.  Obviously, that's good and bad for me.  When you're trying to share a life with someone you hand over your most precious and sentimental thoughts, traditions, etc and you trust them to keep them precious.  It's like a horcrux (yes I said it).  You sort of give a piece of yourself and hope it's taken care of.  That piece of you floats off and you can't really totally reclaim it.  Yes, you can cut that recipient off, but it doesn't take away the fact that you sent that little piece of your soul off.  Tainted?  Eh I don't know if I'd say that. And here's the other thing.  There are two Christmases worth of memories that hurt.  There are two Valentines Days worth of memories that will probably make me sick for the next few V-days.  Two years of anniversaries, plus my wedding day that still hurt.  I can't erase these memories.  The good news is we're capable of making other memories too.  Right now I'm banking on the 20 other years of Christmases and when those other memories creep into my mind I pick myself up and redirect it.  Not easy.  Not exceptionally pleasant.  But we do it.
#3: So how are you doing with things?
They're.....fine.....okay....great...... eh it literally depends on the day.  Most days they're great.  Comparing quality of life now to what it used to be....tons better.  But I would be an idiot to assume that the signing of the papers took away my problems.  I still have a set of problems.  I still have anxiety (and oh my gosh over the tiniest things sometimes) and I still have to reset my footing.  Often.  But I understand the power of a time out.  Taking a minute to regroup and breathe.  And I have to have faith that someday I'm going to feel normal again.